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What Is My Love Language?

Understanding your love language is a concept developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, detailed in his book “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.” Mr. Chapman presents the idea that everyone has a primary way of expressing and receiving love, which he categorizes into five distinct languages. These love languages are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

Each love language describes a set of behaviors and preferences that make an individual feel most loved and respected. In this guide, we’ll explain the five love languages and show you how to use them to keep your relationships happy, healthy, and even sexy!

Recognizing your love language, as well as those of loved ones, promotes deeper connections and better communication. Understanding how you give and receive love helps you to understand what gestures, words, or activities make you feel loved. Alternatively, what makes the special people in your life feel loved will stabilize and skyrocket your relationships into a new dimension.

Therefore, identifying and speaking each other’s primary love language can transform relationships, creating greater intimacy and understanding.

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The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts Get the book here!

Understanding Love Languages

The basics behind the five love languages are very simple. Each person has a specific major love language in which they feel loved when another person performs an act for them in that language. Mr. Chapman also states most people have a secondary love language as well.

The Five Love Languages Explained

Words of Affirmation: Verbal expressions of appreciation and compliments. This person feels loved when words of love and praise are spoken to them. A person who values words more than actions has the love language of words of affirmation.

Quality Time: Focused, undivided attention and shared activities. This person feels loved when others whom they value want to spend time with them.

Receiving Gifts: Thoughtfulness and the effort behind the gift matter. A person who feels most adored and valued when someone gives them a thoughtfully chosen gift has the love language of receiving gifts.

Acts of Service: Actions taken to ease your partner’s burden of responsibilities. A person who feels loved when others do something nice for them, such as chores, has the love language of acts of service.

Physical Touch: Non-verbal body language and touch to convey affection. A person who feels most adored and cared for when receiving back rubs or massages, touches, and intimate physical behaviors belongs in this category.

Understanding your primary love language and that of your partner and other loved ones helps in nurturing deeper connections. When you feed your partner’s and family’s souls, and they feed yours, your relationships can bloom into their greatest potential.

Giving flowers = love language = gifts

The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas; Find it here!

Discovering Your Love Language

Understanding your love language is a step toward personal growth and better relationships. By taking a quiz or through self-assessment and reflection, you can gain insights into how you prefer to give and receive affection.

Taking the What Is My Love Language Quiz

Taking a free quiz online can be a straightforward way to identify your love language. Look for reputable websites that offer a comprehensive quiz. As you answer the questions, which often cover scenarios and preferences in various situations, the quiz tallies your responses to categorize your primary love language. However, quizzes may not capture the full complexity of your preferences.

Here’s a quiz sample regarding two scenarios to help you determine your love language:

Scenario 1:

Your partner has been away for three weeks due to work. You’ve missed him terribly and are excited for his return home. When he walks in the door and does this, it makes you feel that he loves and missed you just as much…

  1. He grabs you in a bear hug and gives you a long, passionate smooch. Then, he picks you up and takes you to the bedroom.
  2. Your partner tells you how much he missed you. He states how beautiful you are and tells you how happy he is to be with you again.
  3. He wants to only spend time with you for an hour or two, just sharing a drink, playing games, talking, or doing something that he knows you enjoy.
  4. Your partner notices the pile of dishes in the sink and starts washing them. He brings you a cool drink and takes out the overflowing trash.
  5. He brings you a bouquet of your favorite flowers or a beautiful souvenir he knew you would love.

Scenario 2:

On a particularly bad day when feeling frazzled and overwhelmed, you immediately feel relief when your partner notices your mood and does this:

  1. Gives you a back massage.
  2. Tells you how much he loves and appreciates you.
  3. Makes you a drink and asks you to sit outside with him to watch the sunset.
  4. Cleans the floors, feeds the kids, and puts them in the tub.
  5. Gives you a bag of your favorite candy he stopped and bought on his way home.

The answer key:


2-Words of Affirmation

3. Quality time

4-Acts of service


Man and woman dancing

The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively by Gary Chapman; See it here!

Self-Assessment and Reflection

If quizzes are not your preference, self-assessment through reflection (aka soul searching) is an alternative method. Think about past experiences and relationships such as the following:

  1. Moments you felt most loved and appreciated.
  2. Gestures or actions that made you feel secure and valued.

Document your observations and look for patterns in your interactions. Self-assessment is about introspection and honesty with yourself. It reveals your intrinsic values and needs without the structure of a quiz.

  • Key Interactions: Analyze interactions with others that were particularly memorable.
  • Common Themes: Identify recurring themes or gestures that are meaningful to you.

Through these approaches, you will move toward understanding your love language and creating better communication and connections with others.

Applying Love Languages in Relationships

As previously stated, understanding and utilizing love languages can significantly enhance the quality of your relationships. But it’s also important for your partner (and family) to understand your love language. To make this happen, you must employ honest and open communication.

Communication with Your Partner

To effectively communicate with your partner, it’s essential to grasp their primary love language. For example, if your partner values Words of Affirmation, regularly expressing appreciation and love vocally or in writing can strengthen your bond. Should their language be Acts of Service, actions that decrease their burdens can speak volumes.

  • Words of Affirmation: Compliments, “I love you,” and positive words of encouragement
  • Acts of Service: Helping with tasks (hire a handyman, yard guy, or housekeeper) and making life easier for your partner
  • Receiving Gifts: Make it a priority to remember important dates and to give meaningful gifts you know they’ll love.

Understanding your loved one’s preferences is a giant leap toward increasing his or her overall happiness and well-being, making you happier too.

Each family member has a love language

5 Traits of a Healthy Family: Steps You Can Take to Grow Closer, Communicate Better, and Change the World Together by Gary Chapman; Get it here!

Family Dynamics

Children have love languages too. Understanding what makes your child feel loved will help him or her grow up happier and more resilient.

In a family setting, recognizing the varied love languages of each member creates a healthier environment. Parents and children may have different ways of expressing love, leading to misunderstandings if not acknowledged and adjusted.

  • Quality Time: Engage in activities together, dedicated family time
  • Physical Touch: Hugs, pats on the back, a comforting hand
  • Praise and Encouragement: Compliment their efforts, knowledge, or something they’re doing well

Engaging in activities that align with each family member’s love language, such as spending Quality Time or using Physical Touch, can improve the family relationship dynamic, making each person feel seen, heard, and appreciated.

A Fun Family Activity For Discovering Everyone’s Love Language

Here’s a great bonding experience you can enjoy together as a family.

Have each family member write a list of 10-15 things that make them feel loved. Then, read each list out loud. Post them on the refrigerator or somewhere convenient so everyone can refer back to them.

Next, try to do a few things on each list every week. This ensures that family and loved ones continuously feel adored and valued.

Children can participate and thrive in these activities, such as bringing Mom a flower from the garden, giving hugs or artwork, saying “I love you,” and doing chores. Partners can bring each other coffee in bed, surprise loved ones with small gifts, or give each other a backrub.

couple enjoying beach time together

Building Stronger Bonds

Couples and family members can build stronger bonds by regularly engaging in each other’s love languages. This conscious effort conveys understanding and respect for each other’s emotional needs.

  • Acts of Service: Share household responsibilities
  • Quality Time: Plan date nights or family outings

Incorporating these practices allows your relationships to thrive, enhancing a sense of connection and satisfaction among partners, parents, and children.

Empathy and Appreciation

Developing empathy and appreciation through your love language enhances your relationships and allows them to thrive. First, you must listen actively to your partner’s love language preference. Secondly, show gratitude when your partner expresses love in your language, reinforcing his or her positive behaviors.

By practicing empathy, you put yourself in your partner’s shoes, appreciating their efforts even if their love language differs from yours.

This may be your last chance to get your copy of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Get it here!

what is my love language pin

Wrapping up What Is My Love Language

Understanding and embracing our love language will greatly enhance our relationships and bring more fulfillment into our lives. When we take time to identify our own love language and that of our loved ones, we can communicate more effectively, show appreciation in meaningful ways, and build stronger connections. As a result, both we and our partners are much happier.

Whether it’s through acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, or receiving gifts, knowing and utilizing our love language can lead to deeper intimacy and harmony in our relationships. So, let’s continue to dive in and explore new ways to savor our love languages and those of our loved ones to keep that home fire burning!

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  1. I have this book and agree with the love languages. I just need to practice this more when I relate to my loved ones. Thanks for the reminder.

  2. What an interesting article. I took the quiz but I think I already knew I would end up as ‘quality time.’

  3. I love the idea to write 10-15 things that make us feel loved and share it with our spouse. What a fun idea! Understanding our own and our partner’s love language is seriously key to a happy relationship! It goes so far when we express love the way they need to be loved! Great post 🙂

  4. Amazing post! I guess all of them are my love language! Any gentle and thoughtful act can be a form of love for me. Thank you for sharing this!

  5. I’m definitely an acts of service gal! I enjoy doing for others! I really appreciate your sharing this information. Many do not think along these line and it is essential to understand God’s gifts that we all have been given!

  6. I love this!!! And those little quizzes were perfect. I’ve honestly never thought too much about any of this love language stuff! Thank you for opening my eyes and sharing!

  7. The 5 love languages was one of the first books I read after I got married, and it was so helpful to me as I was trying to learn how to show love to my new husband and our families. I still use the concepts with our children today. Great post.

  8. I love this book. It really opened my eyes to how my husband and I were not speaking each others’ love language. It changed our relationship. Great post.

  9. Love this! Pretty sure my love language is quality time and words of affirmation. As you mentioned, it is important to gently remind others of your love language and hope they understand it.

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