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Is An Inability To Forgive Consuming You? How to Forgive

The first step in forgiveness is making a conscious decision to forgive. This can be a difficult step, especially when hurt caused by others feels insurmountable. However, it’s important to remember that forgiveness is not about excusing someone’s behavior or forgetting what happened.

Instead, forgiveness is about releasing negative emotions holding you back so you can move forward with your life. Whether the forgiven person remains in your life is up to you.

Achieving forgiveness requires you to reflect on the situation and its impact on you. Then, you must make the decision to let go of the anger and resentment and choose forgiveness.

This post may contain affiliate links, which means I’ll receive a commission if you purchase through my links at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure for more information.

Man hugging upset woman

Key Steps for Finding Forgiveness

  1. Accept what happened, how you feel about it, and what you can do to make amends. Your feelings are valid and require you to work through them without self-judgment.
  2. Consider anything you could have done differently. What role did you play in the problem and what can you do about it?
  3. Focus on what’s positive in your life. Change your perspective toward what makes you happy.
  4. Learn anger management skills. You may find this resource to be beneficial.
  5. Let go of the pastand learn how to break its power over you. Stop the chain of negative thinking with positive affirmations.
  6. Talk objectively to the other person, listen to their perspective, and squash any feelings of defensiveness. Respond carefully towards bringing resolution while explaining how the offending person’s actions affected you.
  7. Practice mindfulness by living in and enjoying the moment. Try journaling and engaging in daily reflections of gratitude.
  8. Make a closure plan. Carefully consider all involved parties and the lasting effects of your plan toward inner peace.
  9. Try meditation to help you work through any negative thoughts and feelings, leaving you more clear-headed.
  10. Say what you need to say to the offending party to find peace. Remember, words can never be returned once they leave the mouth, so choose wisely.
  11. Set healthy boundaries with the other person and stick to them.
  12. Spend time with loved onesand enjoy current relationships.
  13. Talk to otherswho support you. Feelings kept locked inside always tend to blow up, eventually.
  14. If all else fails, talk to a counselor who can help you work through your feelings.
unforgiving mother and daughter

Helpful Scientific Models of Forgiveness

The Reach Model Handbook

Everett Worthington, developer of the Reach Model of Forgiveness, developed a workbook for individuals experiencing an inability to forgive. 4,598 people who used the workbook experienced a significantly increased ability to forgive those who had hurt them.

You can download your copy of the Reach model workbook free of charge here.

Enright’s Therapy Model

Robert Enright is a Psychology Professor at the University of Wisconsin who has researched forgiveness. His findings resulted in Enright’s Forgiveness Therapy Model. It consists of four phases. Enright concluded that forgiveness can be hard to embrace but has multiple life-enhancing benefits.

The four phases of Enright’s model consist of owning up to one’s feelings, deciding to forgive, working toward understanding the person who committed the offense, and discovering compassion for the offending person.

Enright's Therapy Model regarding how to forgive

Many Hurts Are Unintentional

Unintended hurt often results when different personalities view a situation differently. Since every person is unique, we have brains that decipher the same information differently. These hurts don’t have a malicious root.

An example is a mother and daughter who don’t get along. The mother was raised by strict parents and parented her daughter in the same manner she was raised.

However, years later, as an adult, the daughter remained estranged from her mother due to the daughter’s view that her mother was harsh and uncaring.

This was my story. I am that mother, and my oldest daughter was that child.

But we repaired the rift by using sincere, honest communication to heal our broken relationship. I’m not going to lie. It was brutal and painful.

But I listened and accepted what my daughter said. And she did the same. Thank the Heavens above; we transformed a long history of hurts and head-butting because we listened to each other without becoming defensive and putting ourselves inside the other person’s point of view.

Then, we adjusted how we respond to each other, deciding to always be honest and upfront while setting needed boundaries and honoring them. If one of us gets out of line, the other quickly lets it be known, and we step back inside the lines of love.

hands releasing butterflies at sunset

Why You Should Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

It’s easy to talk about forgiveness, but it’s hard to do when your emotions are in turmoil. However, letting go of the emotional pain helps improve your mental health and well-being.

Studies reveal that forgiveness reduces anxiety and symptoms of depression. It also decreases stress and induces better sleep. These are powerful reasons for learning how to forgive someone.

You can build self-esteem when standing up to the pain and moving past emotional pain. This happens because dealing with the pain makes the forgiving individual stronger and healthier emotionally.

Thus, knowing how to forgive and let go of anger improves physical health and stabilizes mental health. Additionally, escaping an inability to forgive frees up energy for healthier activities.

Butterfly in the clouds symbolizes the inability to forgive.

Find relief from an inability to forgive by letting go of emotional pain. Then, watch the world open up to you.

Getting Ready To Forgive

Forgiveness means freeing yourself of the weight you are carrying. But it’s more than just letting go or moving on. According to a recent study, true forgiveness means developing an ability to offer the offending person something positive, such as compassion, empathy, or understanding.

Very Well Mind reveals that forgiving is difficult when we judge the one who wronged us as undeserving of forgiveness.We simply can’t let go of our anger because we believe that dwelling on it ruminates the unfairness of what’s been done to us. Obviously, this is an unhealthy and self-debilitating practice.

It’s common to think forgiving means letting the instigator off the hook when that person deserves to be punished. But forgiveness is not condoning what someone has done to us. It’s not the same thing as justice.

In reality, letting go of unforgiveness is coming to a place of understanding. Forgiving someone doesn’t require reconciliation and never allows for the continuation of abusive behavior.

Forgiveness simply removes the power that emotional pain has over us.

This bestseller by Lysa Terkeurst has fantastic tips and strategies for learning how to forgive.

 Inability to Forgive Pin

Wrapping Up The Inability To Forgive

Holding onto anger and resentment is a heavy burden, and the inability to forgivecan consume us. But forgiveness is a powerful tool that brings peace and healing.

The ability to forgive often seems insurmountable. Holding on to anger negatively affects your mood, health, and other relationships, often spilling over into other areas of life.

But that negative energy can be transformed into something more positive with effort. Furthermore, the inner peace and calm that forgiveness brings is always worth the effort.

Forgiveness frees us from grudges and resentment and lets us move forward from painful experiences. Holding onto anger and bitterness is emotionally and physically draining, preventing us from fully enjoying life.

However, making the choice to move on takes strength and courage but leads to healing and growth. And once we master forgiving someone, we can achieve a much greater potential within our lives.

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62 Comments

  1. That’s amazing! This is one of the most interesting topics! Thank you for sharing this information with me.

  2. I have forgiven but I haven’t forgotten. And yet I have totally moved on and totally at peace. I have never looked back and life has been much better.

    1. It’s wonderful that you’ve discovered how to successfully move on. I hope for the same result for everyone who reads this guide. Thank you, Lynndee.

    1. It’s good you’ve made peace when it comes to forgiveness. Forgetting is not required to forgive, and being able to reconcile the two is important, Hopefully, this post helps readers to do so.

  3. Forgiving is not easy at all! We need to do great work on ourselves in order to be able to forgive someone!

    1. You’re right. Forgiving can be hard. When others hurt us, it’s difficult to be objective. But in the long run, we only hurt ourselves when we hold the anger in.

  4. By holding a grudge we retain negative emotions. These can have a big impact on us. It can help to forgive, but also to distance ourselves from those that repeatedly upset us.

    1. Yes, Ma’am, that’s a great point. Forgiving someone doesn’t require continuing to have a relationship with them. It only requires getting the offending person out of our heads and making peace for ourselves.

  5. This is really great and very informative post, it’s true that sometimes it’s really hard to forgive but there’s always a way

    1. So true. Sometimes we have to work harder at it than other times. And when the hurt runs deep, it usually takes longer. But, like you say, there’s always a way.

  6. Loved everything about this post! So many people find showing forgiveness incredibly difficult. It is definitely liberating.

    1. You are so brave, Christy! Forgiving abuse is the hardest, but it helps you move on from the pain. You never forget; it simply allows you to begin to heal.

  7. I think we don’t always have to forgive when it lets toxicity in. I have moved on from people that waste my time with their lies and the ways that they use me. However, forgiving can definitely be so freeing!

    1. It’s true that forgiveness is for you, the injured party, and not for the offending person. And cutting off people who are harmful to your emotional or physical well-being is also the right thing to do. It’s possible to do both and free yourself from the anger that person caused you.

  8. What a great post! I can say I use to struggle with this but not anymore! I think you really have to look within to see what is more important to you and your health when it comes to forgiveness!

  9. I found these tips very helpful, and practical with a lot of compassion that goes along with it. I will be able to implement them in my own as well.

  10. I can forgive someone but if hurt me a lot, that could take time and I would stay away from them instead. I don’t take any hatred or anything against someone. Very helpful post!

  11. It’s hard to forgive when you feel wronged but it’s worth it to keep relationships intact. Especially with family. And holding onto the forgiveness can be hard but definitely something I have to work on.

    1. You’re not the only one, Laurie. We all have to work on this one. And you’re right. Sometimes, we have to forgive several times before we can finally put down the anger for good.

  12. I have struggled with the inability to forgive in the past. It’s something I work on every day. More so for me and not for the other person. I don’t need to hold onto that.

  13. This couldn’t have come at a perfect time for me. I have a situation where it’s very hard to forgive but I can see it would be the helpful thing to do for me at least

    1. They are not the same thing, Joline. Forgetting is not a part of forgiveness. With forgiveness comes peace of mind, but memories stay with you. Hopefully, the emotional pain of the memories will dim after a while.

  14. I do try to forgive when I can. There are some things I’m probably holding onto though. If I’ve been wronged more than once, I can’t really forgive. I’ll be polite but I’ll always remember.

    1. I understand, Amber. Forgiveness isn’t easy, and when someone hurts you a second time, it’s incredibly difficult to get past it. I hope this post somehow helps you come to peace with any emotional pain you are experiencing.

  15. You make so many great points is why it is healthy for us to forgive someone. I love you how tie in how holding onto grudges and not forgiving can negatively impact our physical and mental health! Not many people consider that! Forgiving frees us from so much suffering in the end! Great post 🙂

  16. Hanging on to sabotaging thoughts can be comforting as you mentioned, simply because people drift toward the familiar. And unfortunately, it can be difficult to implement tangible, but thank you for the thoughtful post about why forgiveness is so powerful, especially for the person doing the forgiving!

    1. You make a valid point, Ashley. Forgiveness frees the forgiver from bitterness, but it is often challenging. However, the reward is emotional freedom. And that’s a worthy prize.

  17. I can find it hard to forgive when I’ve felt very wronged but I feel so much better when I do. Bookmarking in case I need to refer to it in future.

  18. This was amazing, thank you. It really does take a toll on our bodies when we carry around anger and resentment. Life is already stressful enough without throwing on negative feelings that we don’t let go of. I genuinely loved this post!

  19. Always knew about the importance of forgiveness. So informative to read about the benefits. Hard thing to do, but so necessary! Thanks for sharing.

  20. Oh how I have struggled with this very topic. Forgiveness is indeed so important to our health and also to our relationship with God. I have finally learned how to forgive, but have still struggled with once I forgive, is it Christian like to still cut that person out. It helps that you touched on that very subject…thank you!

    1. Michelle, God tells us to avoid associating with those who would harm our spiritual health. So, no, I believe it is not unchristian to avoid or cut off someone who can cause you physical or emotional harm. This is a discussion you may want to have with your pastor or spiritual leader in your church.

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